Finding comfort in cold times without forcing it

Besides remembering the birth of Jesus Christ, I feel like this time of year is not something to be especially excited about. Christmas is about the birth of a perfect "person" who was born so he could change the world and then die for it. It doesn't make any sense. In a good way. Another thing that doesn't make sense is why people try to bring so much life into a season that is almost entirely defined by things dying and being cold and miserable. I feel the need to listen to warm music and feel a certain way and drink tea and be cozy beyond the point of just trying to survive the season. Its more like trying to make something really awesome out of something I hate. Its like I am supposed to feel something when I don't and will never really get there because I get frustrated that I don't get there and then actually feel worse later. Kinda like how I feel when I take communion and get frustrated because I don't feel anything huge, when its not really about feeling anything. Except for not the same at all because I shouldn't compare anything ever to such a sacred reverent tradition. Humans generally think of themselves as being very hearty, tough, thick skinned creatures. In a lot of ways we are, but in a lot of ways we put ourselves through things we dont have to. We are really hard on ourselves and do mean things to our bodies and our brains and souls. Broadly speaking, we are a part of nature. We are highly intelligent beings that have the ability to manipulate other things in nature, but we are still a part of it because we are born and we die naturally and, after a certain point, can't control either of those. And because of it i think we have to regard ourselves with a little more humility and acknowledge that birds are not leaving in the winter just because they are bored. They are in a way smarter than us. My thought i guess is that since we are a part of nature, we have to acknowledge that nature and its changing of seasons has an affect on us. That being said, I venture to say that since the earth exists in seasons, life for us happens in seasons. Right now this is a season of dying. Animals hide from it because they know it sucks. And they also know that it will get better later and they can come out. We as humans, instead try to embrace it and suck all the life out of something that doesn't have much life in it. We freeze our butts off and listen to the same garbage on 104.7 we heard last year and go on carriage rides in the freezing cold and we wear ourselves out. Chelsy and I have been going Christmas shopping and we literally run from the car into every store we go into because we hate the cold so much. Its the worst time to spend all your time getting in and out of a car. I've been feeling pretty good the last few days, but the two or three weeks before that I was frustrated with myself because I didn't feel happy. Part of it was because I was feeling sick and probably fighting a cold but I just didn't feel like being happy in a season where everything has been falling apart around me. I literally feel like every important relationship I have has developed huge cracks and almost fallen apart, and its not entirely because I am careless and selfish and self absorbed. I know things will get better because they always do, but I refuse to try and fake being jolly when I feel like curling into a ball and never going outside or being around people because of how cloudy my brain feels to the point where I hurt peoples feelings because they think I don't like them. I don't feel hopeless though. Just like I know spring comes eventually, I know things get better and that time and effort fixes things. You can't know what really good is like unless you go through really rough sometimes. Nature is made to die and grow back every year without fail, and as a person I am made to fall apart and heal again and be better at whatever I do the next time around. I guess i just want to be cognizant and accepting of how I feel without being overcome by it or making it worse by complaining. That way I can be satisfied without constantly feeling like I should be more pleasant or outwardly cheerful. Its teaching me how to find joy in everything and that God meets me where I'm at. And to sift through all the garbage and commercialism and find what really makes you feel good and safe in such an uncomfortable season. Like the really old, big, gaudy, colored bulbs I insisted on us putting on the house like we used to when I was a kid. We spent like three hours going and buying new fuses and taking apart old strands with missing/broken bulbs to make complete ones that had the right pattern (white, red, blue, orange, green). It was annoying and didn't make any sense to anyone but me but I enjoyed doing it. And I don't feel like I am enjoying the holiday season the way signs and commercials and songs say I should. Its good and I am running low on money but oh well.

E.T.

last week we discussed E.T. soundtrack and John Williams in aural skills.
this weekend i acquired the score for my ipod.
today i listened in car and almost wept.
tonight i rummage through video cassette collection. watch E.T. and shed a tear.

i always hope music like that will be a gateway to more orchestral music. i really like scores, but its hard to listen to a lot of classical/orchestral music because there's not much reason for me to relate to it. i've tried and i get bored because it feels foreign. i find that often happens when i listen to music because i feel like i should, rather than stumbling upon it. I may like that soundtrack because it makes me think of my childhood or maybe just the emotional quality of the movie, but at least i'm enjoying music. a lot of my music seems to be gateway music or like, hybrid music. i've realized that and i try to just go straight to the source but i don't always like it as much as my comfort music.

i hate the way i sound in my head when i read my typing language back to myself. i also hate how mean i am to myself. i hate the word blog.

simple.

i hear a lot of people talkin lately about simple music. its the thing. i play simple music. i like a lot of music that seems to be simple music. i also can't shred so i don't have many options. but at the same time i'm getting a little annoyed with simple music, or at least what people think simple music is supposed to be, cause whenever i hear someone mention something about simple music i get bored immediately.
i'm having trouble trying to progress with my point so i'll just give some examples or something. i am tired.

the standards for good simple music these days seem to be bands like coldplay and U2 and maybe Kings of Leon, especially for worship musicians who are reminded constantly that they need to play simple so they're not distracting but anyway. tangent. so what are these bands doing that makes them so special? i have a lot of ideas, but what i find is the pattern i see in my attraction to certain artists, whether or not they are popular, is that they are doing something that is more or less, a thing i have never heard before. it is definitely arguable that everything has been done, there is nothing new under the sun, and its hard to be original anymore. but i think that if you are being yourself and really trying to express yourself, your influences will play only a small role in how you create art. and the result will be that, because you are a unique individual like no one else, who isn't trying to be someone else, you have no option but to create something that is "new."

I think what makes certain simple music good is when musicians are skilled in ability beyond the music they make. they understand that music is a language that needs to be spoken clearly and eloquently. so when they can play something really complex, but never actually show anyone, they'll be able to play a basic hook way better than the guy who is playing at maximum capacity. That guy can't pay attention to detail, because he is trying to hit all the right notes- he's always catching up or something. (im speaking to myself) The guy who is holding back has a chance to think ahead, focus on good tone (not just manipulating gear, but fingers), and focus on doing something that contributes to the big picture- meaning you can pay attention to what everybody else is doing and make sure you are blending. and when its time to play your solo you can stick out for that small time frame, and then leave listeners wanting more.

i guess my point is that simple doesn't mean you should be boring. play music that fits inside the picture frame, so that you have a nice tidy piece of art that can be enjoyed by the average person. but still think outside the box while doing so. case and point:

the guy who plays bass for kings of leon is one of my favorite musicians. this guy really knows what he's doing. he finds something cool to do for every song. and if the song calls for playing quarter notes on the root of the chord over and over again then he can do it. but most of the time he finds something that, when played by itself sounds really cool, but when played with the rest of the instruments sounds even cooler. He is the kind of bass player that guitar players like, because he's sort of playing like one. but a lot of bass players get frustrated when trying to understand what guys like him do because they might not take the time to do more than contribute the same thing as the rhythm guitar just in a lower register.
i also really enjoy listening to the bass players from death cab for cutie, radiohead, and death from above 1979. but who cares.
what i mean is that these guys fit in the pocket but not like a folded up piece of paper. more like chap stick or something. you wanna ask, "is that chap stick in your pocket? cause i can tell. and i forgot mine at home."

another example: an album i haven't been able stop listening to since thanksgiving is Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. Its impossible. Its an addiction i feed and its only like 30 minutes worth of music. enough to get me to school and back. You could play almost every song on that album at a dance party. But dancey music is usually so boring musically. there's not much there except a phat beat and some sampled synth stuff. but whatever. somehow the guy that plays drums for Phoenix manages to make a consistent 4/4 time in every song into really cool things i cant recall ever hearing before. why? Because he has figured out how to have fun while playing simple tunes. He is playing something that makes an average joe (including me) want to dance like a moron while driving, while still impressing every drummer i've ever met thats heard of them. He has found a way to fit cool syncopations and fills and what have you into music that calls for something you can dance to. its something the average music enjoyer can relate to and not feel dumb because he can't technically understand the music. its genious.

And then there's The Edge. I rest my case.

this is my conclusion. i hope i don't sound arrogant or pretentious. i'm only 21 and have much to learn.
forcing yourself to play simply, especially for those who tend to overplay, can help when your goal is to hone in your ideas into one consistent statement. don't play scales or riffs the whole song and never repeat anything. thats just musical diarrhea (i had to google the spelling of that) and its fatiguing to both the player and the listener. just because it fits in the key doesn't mean it works. plus if you talk too much people won't want to listen (i have a feeling doing that now so i'm gonna wrap things up.) (i'm also abusing my privilege of parentheses use)

basically, if you can hum it or get it stuck in your head then you're golden. but don't be boring goodness sake. thats the anti-epitome of music. play something that has meaning and is you being yourself, even if it means shredding or having a 15 piece drumset. but just remember that there's enough mediocre/annoying music out there already, so make sure its something you'd wanna listen to, whether you are playing your own music or somebody else's.

im sure at any point in time i could be caught doing the exact opposite of anything ive just said.
i hope that my thoughts have been said in love and humility. last time i checked i was pretty humble.

thoughts on worship you may have heard already.

Sometimes I sit and really pay attention to the songs when i'm in a worship service. Not really as much when playing but being in the crowd. Once i stop criticizing now bad the mix is or whatever other bologna i wanna complain about, i start to pay attention to the words. like to the point that my head might explode. have you ever thought about one word in your head over and over till it doesn't sound like you're even speaking english anymore? its like that.

what i've found sometimes is that some of the songs we sing are ridiculous. i'm sure i'm not the only one that thinks this. i wonder about the people that seem like they're writing out of obligation and not out of overflow. (someone else has said that before, i dont remember who.). but i get mad at the people who write those kind of songs. they may be really awesome people but i've always been annoyed by songs that sound like they were put together from a worship word bank. i wouldn't question how genuine the songwriters are, but sometimes i wonder if they think about what they're actually doing. they are writing songs for thousands and thousands of people to sing and some of these songs have really bold statements in them. and if we're really honest with ourselves, we don't mean most of the things we say when were singing worship songs. or we don't take the time to understand what were singing. i mean, come on. we are totally into worldly things. i know i am. i'm not all about money or clothes. i know my life here is a vapor. but still. my flesh absolutely desires the things around me, even though they are nothing compared to what eternity has to offer me. so i find myself hesitating and thinking before i sing such bold statements like "all i need is you." i know its true, but i want to be convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is all i WANT. At the same time, i would hate for someone to not worship because they are digging too deep into the language of the song and just end up frustrated. if thats the case, do something else. pray, kneel, jump around, do whatever. just as long as you know you're being yourself and you mean it.

Maybe its the worship leaders responsibility to think about what songs they're gonna sing, but its those certain phrases that really make me anxious. "You are the only thing that thrills me" or "You are all i want, "All i have is yours." i mean, what if you said that and God was like, "fine, i'm going to blow up your house." chances are He won't but, you probably get the idea. i guess my point is that the average person, especially the non-musical, artistic, poetic, whatever person, wants you to do the work for them. which is fine. thats not their fault. i am terrible at math. i always want the lady at the bank to add stuff up for me when i am depositing multiple checks and getting cash back. its not something i trust myself to do. and i am lazy. my point is that the worship leader is just giving words to them instead of letting them do it themselves. thats just the way it works. you cant go in a room play chords and expect everyone to make up something themselves, or start speaking in tongues, or whatever. alls i'm sayin is, if people act like robots during worship gatherings, they're gonna lie to themselves, and worse, lie to God. This is bold to say, especially since i'm not a songwriter, and I have only been leading worship on a small scale for a couple years. but i still urge people to think about the words on the screen before they memorize them and let muscle memory spit them back out the next 400 times the song is played.

What's awesome about worship songs is we get to declare the truth through music, and I love when the truth (the Word) can hit you differently when its put with a melody. So make sure that you're acknowledging the truth by telling the truth when you sing. Be honest with yourself. You're not fooling God, only yourself. And thank you worship songwriters for writing songs for those of us that can't. I apologize if i'm saying the same thing you've heard from someone else already, its on my heart and i assure you this is the result of serious thought, not hasty emotion. and please, correct me if i have been untrue or twisted the truth in any way.

oh and im kind of a fan of these