As surely as sparks fly upward

April 1 2009- 11:32pm:
life is a rollercoaster and at the moment i want to get off and go throw up.

(From now on i will no longer write like this.)


I feel like for the most part the way my life is lately is like having a rope tied around your waist thats connected to the bumper of a car. a car thats going so fast you just get dragged the whole time and try to run but cant keep up. much less stand. Every landmark, field of flowers, lone hitchhiker is an obligation or good intention that gets left behind because you don't have any control over when you stop. and then once the car is actually stopped, you spend all your energy thinking that you want to turn around and take pictures of what should have been beautiful moments. but your camera fell off your neck a long time ago, and you're too bruised to do anything but just sit there and rest anyway. or you're so relieved that you get a chance to breathe and stand up that you get caught up in those moments so much that you just start to enjoy the most minute detail of your brief rest before you're taken completely by surprise when the light turns green. You find yourself in a subdued panic in your realization that although you knew it was going to happen again, you spent no time preparing for the next dragging. On top of that, you didn't to recuperate from the last one. And you're suddenly doing the same thing you just told yourself you'd never let happen again. You'd kick yourself for it, but your legs are trailing limply behind you.

I made my roommate David read this, and he asked me questions I couldn't really answer on the spot. They made me feel silly, too, because I thought i was being really deep, and then he 1 upped me. but in a good way that made me think. Anyway, these were his questions...

Who tied me to the car, Who is driving the car, and is the car taking me to a better place?

All I could really say was, "I don't know, I haven't thought about any of those things yet, but thanks for ruining my extended metaphor." Also, maybe it would have been better, but i initially was going to explain everything with a metaphor using a crowded Tokyo crosswalk. But i've never been there before, so yeah. But I digress... If you can relate to this, then I'm glad I could maybe vocalize shared frustrations for you. If not, I'm sorry I've wasted your time and exposed you to sloppy punctuation/capitalization and unintentional changes in narrative form or tense that would have otherwise been fixed, had I been writing this for a certain english professor that likes to call me out for redundancies caused by my overuse of adjectives and adverbs, or for compound sentences that are way too long.

a list of things i want to do differently/more/better or just do period.

First of all, i'd like to say that, for the most part, I like who I am, and that God made me the way he did for a reason. But I'd venture that most of the following is the result of healthy thinking...

- crosswords

- read more. anything. Including the newspaper. 

- enjoy more classical/jazz/old R&B music. there's just so much of it that it overwhelms me.

- keep my room clean on a regular basis

- enjoy practicing. classical guitar. pop guitar. whatever. and be able to make it communication with God. not a chore. that would be awesome.

- procrastinate less. a lot less.

- give things away without thinking about it. and I mean things that I really like.

- take every chance I can to collaborate with another musician. no matter how good or bad i think they are. 

- learn to play cello

- spend less money on various and sundry stupid things and more on musical equipment or fixing what I already have.

- Be more pleasant/congenial/talkative when I'm around a large group of my extended family. I tend to shell up in those circumstances and end up appearing very aloof. Especially with my grandparents. In a couple cases, unfortunately, its already too late. That might be an inappropriate way to say it, but I don't know how else to.

- Absorb more from my classes. My music classes especially, but also stuff like history. I really envy people that know history. Thats what a liberal arts education is for, but I spend too much time thinking that learning stuff like that is a waste of time. 

- Take my thoughts and try to make them into songs. I'm too self-critical so I never finish anything. And sometimes I never even start. I'm also going to put journaling into this category. That includes song ideas, thoughts in general, things i want to say to God or that he said to me, people i need to remember to pray for. Because, to be honest I suck at remembering bible verses and people that I need to pray for.

- keep track of my money. What's it called? A register? yeah, one of those things.

- get to know people for the sake of knowing them and investing in something other than myself. 

- eat more organic/vegetarian food. and floss. floss more. both of those i think will pay off later.

- participate in more theatre productions. I kind of stopped after high school. But i love it and i kick myself every time i see i play or musical and wish i would have auditioned.

- exercise on a regular basis. not like every day for a week and then wait another two months for inspiration.

- and thats another thing, inspiration seems so hard to come by, and when it is there its like its there and gone and its not there long enough for me to do anything constructive or make good habits from it.

-Get better at haggling. Even saying the word "haggling" makes me cringe, but I think there's a way to do it. Some of the places I buy equipment from have such a huge profit margin that I shouldn't feel bad trying to pay less for things. I just get really uncomfortable and wimp out.

- Im really bad about compartmentalizing things in my life, as scattered as I am. I just have a tendency to do that- with my friends especially. I wish I could just be like, "Hey, I'm sorry, I don't want to do that," but in a way that people know that I genuinely enjoy who they are.

- Save up some money for a good turntable and speakers so I can really enjoy my moms old records (and the small collection I have from raiding thrift stores). Im still rocking the old school Fisher Price briefcase-record-player I used when I had Annie: The Soundtrack and Sesame Street Goes Disco on heavy rotation. 

this list is subject to changes and amendments.

Edit-Today @ 6:23 pm: I also want to make a 'SHRUTE FARMS BEETS' shirt for all of my friends. Including myself.

I'd hate to wake up and realize that I like the idea of being a music major more than actually being one

an out of context quote

"... I mean, thats ridicuolous. There's only twelve notes you can use. There's going to be repeats that you can't help, and if people can sue for that kind of stuff then Hillsong should sue itself."

-Andy Kurzweg

I grew up knowing the importance of red white and blue. the three primary colors.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then three pictures are worth three thousand words.

Usually the stuff I think is funny that I think of in my head, people don't think is funny. So occasionally have some of my favorite times when I've been by myself long enough to start thinking aloud. And there's no one to tell me my jokes aren't funny. But trust me that doesn't happen all the time. And also, alot of stuff that people think is funny is stuff I didn't intend to do, so then I can't figure out if they're laughing AT me or what, and then I miss a good moment cause I'm thinking too hard or getting offended for no reason.

I wish I had more functional clothing. My wardrobe is just made up of items I think are cool that don't usually fit together. I don't really think of that when I buy them. And I have a lot of shirts that I've collected over the years, but still. I want to be that guy that can wear the same pair of vans or something for everything. My pair is old and has big holes in them but I'd feel guilty getting another pair of shoes. This paragraph is boring.

I was driving behind a truck the other day, and on the back of it there was a sign that read "If you cant see my mirrors, I can't see you." So I slowed down and found out just how far I had to back up so he could see me. And I was like, "Hey man, this is too far. I don't have time for this, and the people behind me are getting impatient."

3 Bands I always wanted to listen to but never did.

1. Dinosaur Jr. (Trent Peacock, my youth pastor, introduced me. How? I don't know)

2. Fugazi (i heard some when i roomed with C Custer last year. Also, there was this guy in my junior english class. Derek Strong. We had to do a project where you picked a song that said some thing about social injustice and stuff. So naturally people picked like Bob Dylan or Jack Johnson [okay that was me] or that big yellow taxi song. Anyways, homeboy plays a fugazi tune and no one said a word after it finished. it was the best thing ever. I secretly felt bad because at the beginning of the year I remember telling everyone i thought he was going to kill us [and for selling out/taking the easy route with a JJ song]. Strong was a quiet type, but i underestimated him in my attempt to make my peers laugh, and also probably on many other occasions. So Derek Strong- Im sorry. I like you. Your're an okay guy. I hope I can prove to you someday I am too.)

3. Ryan Adams (i just got really angry because i couldn't remember my third pick. But i just remembered- its Ryan Adams. My confession is that the only song of his i really know is his Wonderwall cover. Which I'm pretty sure is way better. And i dare say that even Noel Gallagher himself agrees. Tell me if I'm wrong, but Gallagher copied parts of a song from a guy who copied him but made it sound cooler.)

EDIT: I decided to lose the stingray sidebar. As cool as it was, it just didn't fit the theme. And i didn't feel like taking the time to make the colors match. It would have been trying too hard. And that, my friends, is not classy.

I want new music that doesn't remind me of things that bother me.

a common typo I make when texting is saying "ate" instead of "are." so it's usually especially comical when I saying something like, " when ate you goimg to dinner?" Man, what a laugh.

There is so much a man can tell you, so much be can say

I think I'm going to make and wear a sign on my chest that reads, "MY BREAK WAS GOOD, THANKS."

you should try listening to The Enemy Lovers for a change

also. this isn't the correct website to watch The Office online i think. 

If there's one thing I can count on, it's my mom always keeping a good supply/variety of shredded cheese in the refrigerator.

www.creedthoughts.gov/www.creedthoughts 

there's nothing more disappointing than realizing that an idea you or someone else had has already been done. if it was you, you realize you're not as cool as you though you were. and if it's someone else, you're mad for thinking they were cooler than they really are. thieves..

water

according to Alyssa, the money the east coast alone spends on bottles water could provide the rest of the world with clean water. I don't know I exactly how true that is; regarless... I just bought water with vitamins in it.

you should really see this guys website. and watch the video if you have time. you can donate and/or buy a tshirt if you feeling like giving a charitable contribution and also getting a cool shirt at the same time.

Slumdog Millionare was incredible

i knew i needed to take a break when i heard myself say, "Oh Toby, you're funny.. haaa." aloud. i mean he's just so dull, you know? and then like Creed, HA. Well he doesn't even know anyone's name.


I'm making strides towards growing up.
1. I'm not going to say everything aloud (or type for that matter, but this is important) when I think of it. I also won't overthink things. Like deciding whether or not I should say what I think.
2. I'm going to make better efforts to capitalize things and avoid unintentional omission of punctuation on the computer, like apostrophes.